Hitting The Wall

              Runners have a term called "hitting the wall". For those who don't know, though i'm certain that it's a fairly common term it's that point when the mind, more than the body does not want to go on anymore; the mind tricks the body into thinking it is fully exhausted and can not go on. I think that there are a lot of areas in life where we all hit the wall. Sometimes we bounce off of it and move on in another direction, sometimes we power through it and continue on course and sometimes we careen into it and everything comes crashing down around us.

                For the last few weeks i have been trying to wake up early and run three miles before work. Iwant to get into better physical condition for my next trip to Korea, also I want to have abs instead of a belly. Anyway, my pattern for running is to run laps on a virtual track (it's a treadmill with a picture of a track that outlines your laps), so it's 4 laps to a mile and i am trying to do 3 miles, that's 12 laps. I have been running 3.5 mph for 1/2 lap 5 mph for 1/4 lap and 6.5 mph for 1/4 lap for each lap. This is up from 3-4.5-6 mph when i started. Every day, sometimes before the first mile is completed, I find myself wanting to stop. My legs begin to ache, my lungs sometimes burn and occasionally my head hurts. To be honest, the thing that keeps me going is a combination of determination and self loathing. No matter why though, I keep going as long as I can; unfortunately today, having forgotten my headphones I only got in two miles.

                 Life is no different. Every morning when I wake up, I hit the wall. Unlike physical exertion, this wall isn't made up of aches and pains but rather made up of the voices I hear when my mind starts to explore the schedule for the day. In the past I have rolled over and gone back to sleep, I have put off the inevitable for as long as possible, and on occasion I have gotten up to face the day and everything before me. Every morning I am faced with this challenge, to get up or give up. So far I have kept on moving.

                  In addition to becoming more physically fit I also want to become more spiritually, emotionally and mentally fit. This, unfortunately includes social aspects of my life. Right here and now I want to apologize to anyone that I have offended or discomforted in any way. I confess to being a very insecure person when it comes to people I care about and sometimes I make mistakes, more often than not when I do, they are pretty big ones. This isn't something that I am ignorant of or complacent about. I'm trying, so please don't give up on me. If I seem to be around a bit too much it's because you're someone I honestly want to get to know more and to be honest about it, there aren't many of those. Of course I'm not looking to be a project, I'm seeking to be a genuine friend. So what steps am I taking, as falteringly as I may be doing so?

  1. physical excercise and dietary alteration, my attempt to restore a disciplined routine to my life
  2. weekly prayer meetings with people from church
  3. learning Korean; I'm a terrible student, but I'm making progress
  4. daily study of the Bible and prayer, again at this point i'm inconsistant, but i'm working on it.
  5. would like to start reading at least 1 book per month if not 2(1 fiction and 1 non-fiction.)
  6. trying to regularly update and post to my personal site www.johnrob.com

                 Recently a xangan, BFB1131, published a post about attitude. At one point he had said people should feel free to be negative and not try to "fake it till you make it". While in a sense I could agree with that, there is no use in being fake, if I were simply honest about how I feel, which I am, and did nothing about it I would succeed only in alienating people who try to care about me. I hope thatmiss Victoria doesn't mind me calling her out as I feel that not only is she a good example of this, but I owe her a special apology. In every communication we have ever had she has always been nothing but kind and complimentary to me, and I in turn downplayed her kind, loving(I say loving in the sense of being uplifting and showing a genuine kindness) words. Instead I allowed my view of myself to be colored by the impressions of my past and did not respond as I should have to her friendship. So, miss Victoria, I sincerely and publicly apologize, because I have not in fact honored your friendship as I should and it is my fervent hope that I do not make the same mistake in the future.

                  Making the change from negativity to possitivity is a challenge of epic purportions. One or two people over the course of a few months over the internet simply do not outweigh years of input from family and authority figures. So, yes, some people may be "faking it" but they are simply faking, and not trying to make it; the truth of the matter is any true change is going to come with growing pains and stumbles. There are going to be wounds and failures and setbacks.

                   In the end, no one can do it alone. Just as my music provides me with inspiration, motivation and distraction from the discomfort while I am running, so real true friends offer all of these things when going through the trials of life. How is that for a poetic ending? My friends are like music to my ears.

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